26.2

that is how many miles i plan on running.
in one race.
and hopefully, I'll get more out of it than blisters

So. I picked up this book yesterday when I was moseying around borders for an hour, and i really liked it. i wanted a chuck palunhuik (i totally butchered that i'm sure) book, and the jodi picoult book about the sister who was born so she could give bone marrow to her sister, and a clockwork orange, and a bartending how-to guide. i couldn't find that last one, but anyway, over all of these i ended up choosing this book about marathons, and it has the stories of maybe 20 different people and their first marathon, why they did it, what they experienced, etc. I haven't read all of them yet, because I want to save some, but I would almost call it riveting.
not because the stories were so well written or anything, or because it was intensely inspirational, but because it made me question myself.

ps- don't read this unless you're in the mood for a freaking novel. a boring one. stop here. or don't. i'm just posting this because i wrote it all and i'm not letting it go to waste. i never realized how nice it felt to get something out on paper (or computer), even if no one is going to read it but you. anyway, be warned: when I talk or write anything this long, I usually start to think in circles, hah.

now i'd been thinking about running a marathon for a while. the idea had been planted in my head sophmore year, as the seniors on the team started thinking over their options for after their last cross country season was over. they could keep training with the team as usual, quit, run on their own, or our coach would train them for a marathon. I didn't think too seriously about it, because there was no way i would do it as a sophomore in high school, but now with the coaching change and my huuuuge loss of endurance and speed and muscle and any desire to compete in cross country races next year, i've been thinking about it a lot, and starting this book kind of pushed me over the edge in a way.

i mean, i've been telling people I want to do it lately. Because I do. But I've also had, still have, this nagging doubt in me that I don't have what it takes, don't have the will power, the tenacity. And its not without base. I haven't run since wednesday because we haven't had practice. I've thought about running. I could have gotten up and done it. But I didn't make myself. So I read these stories, some about runners, some just about average joes who decided to up and run a marathon. But all of them on their journey uncovered their own strength, their own will power. Found a gear they never knew they had. Pushed past mile 20, blocked out pain, conquered the wall, found people or ways or religion to inspire themselves. I want to know what I have hiding in me, waiting to be released as I'm crumbling at the last few miles. I mean, I'm not expecting divine intervention or anything in my race. I'm not going to suddenly find religion. I'm not going to suddenly discover my amazing strength capacity and beat the Kenyans. But I need to know what I can do. Need to know that I can define myself by myself. Anyone who wants to can perceive me however they want to, but doing this will be hard evidence that there is a definite line in the blurriness I see connecting me to everyone else. That I do have strength and fortitude and drive, the things that make me my own person.

So, I'm looking for some self-discovery, and this is where I'm going to find it. Which scares the shit out of me. Its gonna be a make-me-or-break-me moment. If I fail, not just fail to complete the marathon, but fail to even begin it, fail to see through to everything I'm writing, don't even have the will power to get that far, then it'll be a pretty crushing blow. Furthurmore, if I do finish, but fail to realize anything about myself at all, then.....I don't know. Then I'm nothing. I can still try to find myself, but I'll still always be unsure, like I am now. Still never be completely confident in anything, always doubt my ability, always doubt my courage and my strength and independent-mindedness. I wonder a lot about just how much I'm influenced by me, and how much I'm influenced by those around me. Do I really like this kind of music, or does everyone else like it so I unconsciously force myself to find appeal in it? Am I so similar to my friends because we just happen to be that way? Or do subconsciously act like this because they act like this? This marathon seems to be the key to finding out something concrete about myself. No doubt. I'm a pretty middle-of-the-road person. I don't have any passionate beliefs about anything. I support gay marraige, but I'm not going to go start a protest. I like running, but I'm not obsessed and I'm no superstar athlete. I'm not going to start a 5 hour argument with you over why republicans are idiots, because I'm not passionate enough about politics to know enough to argue with you. I want to know there's more to me than mediocrity, and I really, really, hope I find it on those 26.2 miles.